It probably started in October, no it definitely did. I was going home on the highway on my Harley when some person in a white Lexus cut me off...I locked up my brakes but in the end had to lay the bike down. No worries, the bike only has cosmetic damage and I had some bruised ribs and a bruised lung underneath them. I also banged up my knee a little and had minor shoulder ligament tears. I was going 65 in rush hour on I-635 when I had to lock up my brakes and only a few seconds later I was on the ground sliding on top of my bike. The fall made me hit my knee on the ground which sprang me up onto my bike where I landed on on it with my side, causing the bruised ribs and lung and then rode it to a stop. It was amazing that traffic around me and behind me did not run me over. But, do not think or fear that I found religion because I didn't.
My first thought was, when the Fire Department showed up to take me away, I can't afford this wreck or the medical bills so I can not be hurt. The fall had knocked the wind out of me so passersbys who stopped to call 911 thought I was unresponsive when the fact was it was hard to breathe and so even harder to speak. I started spitting and no blood came up so I thought, "Good no punctured lung." So, I asked the fire fighters to simply block traffic and let me get my bike off the highway since it would not start. I coasted it down a hill to try and get it in a median but tried starting it again and it fired right up and I drove home. Lucky I am a vet so I can still get medical care at a reasonable price otherwise I would have been like the waitress in the commercial who has a car wreck and goes to work because she can not afford either to lose her job or pay for medical care.
But, it also called into question many other things in my life. Like, how come I am still basically one of the working poor? Why do I have no rewarding career that gives me a secure livelihood rather than just above poverty level for a single white male in America? Why am I still single without a significant girlfriend or wife? How come I have no home of my own...can't even afford one? What, in other words, are the check boxes on the application for the American Dream that I have not completed? What is wrong with me?
I know they are self-pitying questions especially for a guy who went out and bought a Harley and wrecked it rather than saved for a house down payment. But I think it also goes to the desperation and nihilism that our culture has bred into our generation and the ones after: "Eat drink and be merry for tomorrow you die." After all, a lot of our credit problems today are from people (both lenders and borrowers) seeing instant and ever increasing dollar amounts from the "live now, pay later" ethos that has just died an ignominious death in the past few months but the government is trying to resurrect. I am still nagged and wonder what I am besides a consumer and wax nostalgic when I watch Fight Club.
I still think there is something to my feelings. I see that I work hard, am honest, do what is required of me and also have done more for many than most have done. But yet I am rewarded with a good but not very rewarding job and possibly living off of low wage jobs the rest of my life. While those that ruin millions of people's lives through their mismanagement and manipulation of the system in their favor...they manipulate the system further to get billions of dollars from millions of people who can not afford it. Maybe I'm just ranting and need to start writing a manifesto in a cabin in the woods. I have a few sweet hoodies for composite police sketches but I don't quite have a Ted K beard; one like Zach Galifiankis at most. I'll also have to dig out some old mirrored aviator sunglasses to complete the look.
Or maybe I am just a self-absorbed pussy who has not had things go his way or expects too much. But, I also know that I am not alone and that those like me are growing in number. Especially now that the specter of a depression looms large in the next few years.
Anyways, it was great to get these things off my chest to you guys who I consider true friends. Strangely, the internet has helped us to stay in touch while the analog world brings me few people who I really want to waste time on. You should expect more creepy Japanese self-defense videos and tirades on the zombie of John Maynard Keynes who seems to have possessed two presidents in a row now. I think that my black dog got run over and I'm starting to be my old self again.
