Yellow Lightning

2012-01-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia will be down in a few hours to "fight the man"! From their website, at least until it goes down: English Wikipedia anti-SOPA Blackout.

So, dust off the old Korean or Russian skills for the next 24 hours to get your net fix in other languagesas the rest of the monolinguist English world riots, self-immolates, protests, calls Congress to do something (which is what is causing this), etc. as Wikipedia, Google, and Facebook join the protest.

New Year new post

2012-01-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

Gentlemen it is time we decide what to actually do with this blog. I say lets make 2012 a year of action. Let's actually DO SOMETHING worth writing about. I will start even if it bores you to tears.

In Lighting we trust

"Cruel"

2011-11-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

Love this song, it is so infectious. I love how electro it sounds but the chick shreds at appropriate moments. Plus, the song also is pretty pointed to all the bastards in our lives. Enjoy a wonderful song but creepy video:

Toxins Linked to Gulf War Illnesses

2011-09-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

Toxins linked to Gulf War Illnesses... Really? We're just coming to this now? How long did that take 20 years?

"Veterans who served in combat zones took Pyridostigmine Bromide pills, small doses of a nerve agent intended to allow troops to build up resistance in case of a chemical attack."

Yeah can't see anything going wrong with that.

Pyridostigmine Bromide may cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal cramps, increased peristalsis, increased salivation, increased bronchial secretions, miosis and diaphoresis. Nicotinic side effects are comprised chiefly of muscle cramps, fasciculation and weakness which, through involvement of the muscles of respiration, may lead to death.

"Among support troops, symptoms of illness were most common in personnel who used pesticides on their uniforms or skin, the researchers found."

Unreal...

(Be sure to check out the comments and the bottom of the article)

Merrill's Meadow

2011-09-05T04:05:00.000-07:00

I got bored...really fucking bored as you will soon see. After watching a documentary that mentioned Fiddler's Green I decided to write a version for us MI folks. I named it Merrill's Meadow for Poetic reasons and after MG Frank Merrill. Merrill is famous for coming up with the idea for and founding Merrill's Marauders. Besides being a general (literally and figuratively) bad-ass Merrill was a MI officer. So, I thought it more fitting to use him rather than some staff pogue to give a name to the Valhalla for MI soldiers. Any Valhalla with MI soldiers would have A/C, spades, poguie bait, little to no fighting except maybe for some D&D, internet, and perfectly clean/unused weapons.

So here goes Merrill's Meadow by me (copyright haters!). Read it side by side with the inferior "Fiddler's Green" I linked to and give me some suggestions. Fiddler's Green does not mention MI once; fail!

Merrill's Meadow

At the gates of limbo on the way to hell,

In SICPs perfectly in a row

Toil MI soldiers at their field desks,

Putting on dog and pony shows.

And this second purgatory

Is classified “Merrill’s Meadow.”

At this place, denied access to hell,

Are all those friends and foes,

Trying to get in for the AC, coffee,

And internet but ordered, “NO!”

For none but MI soldiers are “READ-ON”

To enter Merrill’s Meadow.

They leave to get the proper DA Forms signed,

Ask Sergeants and officers who might know,

Where and who they must go to find,

Permission or signatures they can show,

To the MI soldiers at the SCIF,

To get a TS/SCI to enter Merrill’s Meadow.

So when a soldier dies and his ghost marches from its grave,

To join its comrades in the world of shadows,

And take his place among those who weren’t saved,

Remember the few things that all who enter hell must know:

That MI Soldiers man the gates of hell and mind what is said,

Your name must be on the access roster and ID must be shown,

And still you are not worthy ‘nuff to proceed

Past the MI soldiers napping at Merrill’s Meadow.

Killzone 3

2011-08-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Back again and this time with a few quick notes on Killzone 3 Multiplayer.

There are currently 7 maps to choose from for a standard death match and game play is set up like Battlefield 2 where there are 5 character classes to choose from and then points are earned for kills or class specific actions. These points get you rank and rank unlocks what's called career unlocks which can be used to upgrade career specific talents. Each class is subdivided into primary and secondary abilities and primary and secondary weapons types.

I like to play the medic so in my case career unlock “revive” will upgrade my ability to heal or by upgrading “triage” I am able to create a bot to cover me while I skirt the battlefield in search of injured teammates to revive. As a side note few people in the games I played actually waited around for medical help before respawning, however I found that a medic with bot assistance can also give a great tactical advantage to your team if forwardly deployed. At its final stage “revive” allows the medic to heal himself essentially respawing in place.

The real fun is in the Warzone game mode, which consists of all game modes in one. At first I thought it meant that I would play a game of deathmatch which would end and then it would be followed by a new game of Capture the flag or Territories as is common in other games such as COD or Halo but surprisingly this is not the case. No sooner does a round of CTF end then your sides’ commander Admiral Orlock / Helghast or Captain Narville/ISA comes over the radio and issues new objectives to achieve and play continues, in Killzone 3 it all happens back to back with no reset! It’s like playing four games in one. I highly suggest this game mode as the standard maps are extended in size and scope to accommodate up to 24 players making you fell like part of a larger more realistic battle.

Dagon Age 2

2011-08-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

Dragon Age 2 is an action packed role-playing game, set in the world of Dragon Age: Origins but it is not a sequel so much as it is a spinoff of that title. BioWare has streamlined several elements from the first installment and created something familiar but new. The look has been updated as well as combat and dialog options and although the story is not as epic in scope as DAO it’s just as good. You will still have to face off against Dragons, hordes of Darkspawn, and demons to be sure but the real enemies in this installment are not always so obvious.

In Dragon Age 2 you play as Hawke and your story begins with you and your family escaping from Lothering as the Blight closes in. Soon after you and your family will meet some familiar faces that help you escape Fereldon and make your way to the city of Kirkwall, in the Free Marches where you have relatives and the majority of the story takes place. Kirkwall give the impression of being a great city but the arrival of refugees from Fereldon is stretching its resources to their capacity making its citizens less than friendly to the newcomers. But you won’t stay a refugee for long and quickly go about making your fortune in your new home. Along the way you will encounter new companions and new problems as you navigate through political intrigue, a bunch of shipwrecked Qunari, and a little civil war between the Mages and Templers of Kirkwall.

BioWare has once again broken the story down into three acts, each with its own set of quests that will lead you further into the story. Quests are categorized as main, secondary, side, and companion categories. While almost all quests help support the stories overall narrative it’s questing with and for your companions where the game really shines. Unlike DAO where you could effectively buy your companions friendship, in DA2 your companion’s loyalty or rivalry is earned through questing. The choices you make will determine whether they stick with you in the end or ultimately leave your service.

In DA2 Hawke is able to speak which is a major upgrade in my book, it’s that much easier to get into the story because the conversations have a real feeling to them. Conversations are set up with 3 basic forms of inquiry or reply very much in line with BioWare’s Sci-Fi RPG Mass Effect. These options are supplemented with symbols which I think were intended to help convey the tone in which the statement was intended but can be confusing at times. For example a purple diamond response is supposed to be charming and a black star means that you have prior knowledge of this topic due to a previous interaction.

Combat has been simplified from DAO and has become more action oriented. However, unlike before you will have to engage enemies on your own if you want Hawke to attack or perform an action; otherwise he will just stand there. You are still able to switch which party member you are controlling easily and pulling back on the left trigger will still pause the action allowing you to make any necessary changes to your tactics. Speaking of which, there are still customizable tactic slots for each character and I highly recommend using them as your party members will perform most default actions well but with a little tweaking you can control all aspects of the battlefield.

But it’s not all silver coins and pirate girls in Kirkwall. Due to the tight focus of the story there aren’t a lot of places to go in DA2 and by act 2 you will have visited all of them in one form or another. BioWare tries to change your point of entry or limits access to different set pieces but it is a trick that wears thin quickly. The upside to this is resource gathering, which you will need to do in order to craft new potions or poisons. Clearly, after a few trips around Kirkwall and you’ll know where to look. Also only Hawke can wear 99% of any armor you find. While your companion’s armor can be upgraded through purchases at the many venders in Kirkwall or found during companion specific quests, the sheer volume of unusable items seems like a waste. Lastly, unlike its predecessor Dragon Age: Origins in DA2 you are only able to have conversations with your companions during or just after their specific quests. So speaking with your companions actually becomes a quest in itself rather than something you can just do on the fly.

Ultimately this is a great RPG adventure game with a solid character driven story. The improved graphics and character models, along with a fully fleshed out speaking hero set this sequel apart from its predecessor. The sheer amount of choice you have to design your own destiny will keep you coming back for more adventures in Kirkwall well past the 35 hours it takes to finish the game.

Quick tips:
Always bring a rogue - Oddly no quest items will ever be stored in a locked chest but you may find gold or special weapons / armor.

Save frequently – It’s easy to forget to save your game but its best to save before and after a mission. With a 35 hour run time you should save at key points that you may want to go back to later.

Mi casa es su casa – Apparently Hawke has a serious open door policy and there are several times during the game that events will be tripped without warning when you go home. Remember that with the exception of receiving letters all other activities can be done throughout Kirkwall.

WTF?

2011-05-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while but who went fucking nuts and redecorated the place? It took me 10 minutes to figure out how to enter a new post in here. Is it Google's doing? Anyway I thought I'd say hey to everyone..."Hey!"

For those of you, including me, who will remain on Earth after today's Rapture, we should totally meet up since we can take cars that are empty or siphon their gas and homestead a development somewhere. Let's call it Bartertown. For those of you leaving us, have a safe trip and have fun playing board games for all eternity while the rest of us are at the Hukilau!

Look who broke 50,000

2010-11-30T18:23:00.000-08:00

Made it my goal to beat XBOX Live's Major Nelson this holiday season.

Done and done.

So its like that...

2010-11-12T10:10:00.000-08:00

What is up with this formatting?

2010-08-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

So yeah I guess we've been away for a while. Maybe it's time for spring cleaning.

Speaking of ninjas...

2010-08-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder where the term "mall ninja" comes from...here is the internet thread (summarized) where the phrase was coined.

Just a test

2010-06-04T21:49:00.001-07:00

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system... This is only a test.
I think the format is off in that last post but hey, deal with it.

NORWEGIAN Ninja

2010-06-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

Happy (?) or somber Memorial Day!

2010-05-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

A little Slayer Angel of Death for the occasion

A little light-hearted Nazi Humor

2010-01-24T00:17:00.000-08:00

There are all sorts of videos on youtube that spoof a bunker scene of Hitler railing against the failure of his General Staff to carry out his strategic brilliance from the movie Der Untergang. There are spoofs of him getting banned from XBox Live, learning about Michael Jackson's death, the Republicans losing the election, etc. My favorite is this one of a gun I have been waiting for but is now so overpriced I will never buy it.

Hope you guys enjoy it.

Happy Veteran's Day!

2009-11-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

I wanted to say to you all that I am glad we served together. Though, we do not talk as much as we should or meet as much as we'd like, or post blog entries with any kind of regularity or focus, I still have a fond place for you in my heart. Though, the 125th MI Bn (CEWI)/25th ID (L) is no more...I still cherish my time there and mainly because of you guys. Happy Veteran's Day to you the Eyes of Lightning!

Just what this site needed

2009-10-08T10:18:00.001-07:00

The Banana Dance!
From "That Mitchell and Webb Look" on the BBC

My black dog...

2009-03-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

I am sorry to all my fellow yellow lightningers for not contributing my part by posting as often as I should. This has weighed on me heavily so I will try to explain.

It probably started in October, no it definitely did. I was going home on the highway on my Harley when some person in a white Lexus cut me off...I locked up my brakes but in the end had to lay the bike down. No worries, the bike only has cosmetic damage and I had some bruised ribs and a bruised lung underneath them. I also banged up my knee a little and had minor shoulder ligament tears. I was going 65 in rush hour on I-635 when I had to lock up my brakes and only a few seconds later I was on the ground sliding on top of my bike. The fall made me hit my knee on the ground which sprang me up onto my bike where I landed on on it with my side, causing the bruised ribs and lung and then rode it to a stop. It was amazing that traffic around me and behind me did not run me over. But, do not think or fear that I found religion because I didn't.

My first thought was, when the Fire Department showed up to take me away, I can't afford this wreck or the medical bills so I can not be hurt. The fall had knocked the wind out of me so passersbys who stopped to call 911 thought I was unresponsive when the fact was it was hard to breathe and so even harder to speak. I started spitting and no blood came up so I thought, "Good no punctured lung." So, I asked the fire fighters to simply block traffic and let me get my bike off the highway since it would not start. I coasted it down a hill to try and get it in a median but tried starting it again and it fired right up and I drove home. Lucky I am a vet so I can still get medical care at a reasonable price otherwise I would have been like the waitress in the commercial who has a car wreck and goes to work because she can not afford either to lose her job or pay for medical care.

But, it also called into question many other things in my life. Like, how come I am still basically one of the working poor? Why do I have no rewarding career that gives me a secure livelihood rather than just above poverty level for a single white male in America? Why am I still single without a significant girlfriend or wife? How come I have no home of my own...can't even afford one? What, in other words, are the check boxes on the application for the American Dream that I have not completed? What is wrong with me?

I know they are self-pitying questions especially for a guy who went out and bought a Harley and wrecked it rather than saved for a house down payment. But I think it also goes to the desperation and nihilism that our culture has bred into our generation and the ones after: "Eat drink and be merry for tomorrow you die." After all, a lot of our credit problems today are from people (both lenders and borrowers) seeing instant and ever increasing dollar amounts from the "live now, pay later" ethos that has just died an ignominious death in the past few months but the government is trying to resurrect. I am still nagged and wonder what I am besides a consumer and wax nostalgic when I watch Fight Club.

I still think there is something to my feelings. I see that I work hard, am honest, do what is required of me and also have done more for many than most have done. But yet I am rewarded with a good but not very rewarding job and possibly living off of low wage jobs the rest of my life. While those that ruin millions of people's lives through their mismanagement and manipulation of the system in their favor...they manipulate the system further to get billions of dollars from millions of people who can not afford it. Maybe I'm just ranting and need to start writing a manifesto in a cabin in the woods. I have a few sweet hoodies for composite police sketches but I don't quite have a Ted K beard; one like Zach Galifiankis at most. I'll also have to dig out some old mirrored aviator sunglasses to complete the look.

Or maybe I am just a self-absorbed pussy who has not had things go his way or expects too much. But, I also know that I am not alone and that those like me are growing in number. Especially now that the specter of a depression looms large in the next few years.

Anyways, it was great to get these things off my chest to you guys who I consider true friends. Strangely, the internet has helped us to stay in touch while the analog world brings me few people who I really want to waste time on. You should expect more creepy Japanese self-defense videos and tirades on the zombie of John Maynard Keynes who seems to have possessed two presidents in a row now. I think that my black dog got run over and I'm starting to be my old self again.

Durex Get it On Viral

2009-01-21T09:43:00.001-08:00

Just to good to pass up.

Star Wars Stars Dance Off 2008

2008-06-27T08:30:00.001-07:00

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse then Haden Christian still getting acting jobs after what he did in the prequels, I find this. Are you fucking kidding me... who licensed this? George Lucas is a WHORE! The end is nigh... mark my words.

Guitar Hero: On Tour promo, learn how to Rock Out = UNFUCKING BEARABLE

2008-06-27T08:15:00.001-07:00

I to dare you to make it through all 3 minutes and 30 seconds without thoughts of self injury or wanting to start a riot... I DARE YOU... wiggle wiggle wiggle YEAH!

Through the Fire and Flames 100% 987,786 points and 8 min of Pwnage!!!

2008-06-05T14:28:00.001-07:00

Hey Mike, is this guy invited to your next party?

DRAGONFORCE ( or Inland Invasion part2)

2008-06-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Holly crap I was surfing through Kotaku today and I found the following article about the guy in the previous post and I thought "Wow thats cool" as it reminded me of Mikes party story. So then I decided to check out the bands website to see what what there, and gentlemen, what I found was F'ing AWESOME!

Now I'm 100% sure that JZ is already a member for their fan club and check the forum often but for the rest of us, who don't listen to the soothing sounds of RAMMSTEIN to relax I give you ....
According to the Wikipedia: It would seem that DragonForce are an English Power Metal band formed in the UK back in 1999. The group is known for its fast paced songs, twin guitar solos (ok but if there are 2 guitars how is it a solo?), and incorporation of electronic sound effects into their music.

Jesus these guys are FUCKING METAL!!! Not that I particularly care for metal, but if I did... these guys might be my band of choice. The best part is their website these guys are like superheros, or better yet GI JOE figures each with their own file card that lists their talents almost like they were special powers. It's genius... check out their site with the link above you wont be disappointed. Here is just a sampling:

SAM TOTMAN
Lead/Rhythm Guitars & Backing Vocals

Signature Stage Moves
360degree tornado jump

VADIM PRUZHANOU
Keyboards & Backing Vocals

Signature Stage Moves
Getting derranged!

Now I know what you're thinking... We HAVE to see these guys live!
I agree and lucky us we have two chances coming up soon.

Fri Jul 11 - Sacramento - Sleep Train Amphitheatre
Sat Jul 12 -San Francisco - Shoreline Amphitheatre

Other preformers include:
Slipknot, Machine Head, Airbourne, Sevendust, Walls of Jericho, Disturbed, Mastodon, 36 Crazyfists, Underoath, The Red Chord, Suicide Silence, Five Finger Death Punch, and Black Tide.

So we all know that July 11th in fact someones birthday, so Im just saying... I think I gave my leather pants to Goodwill but they were getting a bit tight anyway. However, I think I still have my jacket in storage, with a little modification Id be ready to roll..... so let me know.

Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

2008-06-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

Since the surge in crime, which began on April 28 at midnight, more than 830,000 civilians have been murdered—nearly one-tenth of Liberty City's total population. In addition, 35,000 vehicles have been reported stolen, many of which were then driven illegally over sidewalks and pedestrian walkways before plunging into the nearby Humboldt River. And according to startling figures released by local community action group Citizens for a Safer City, drug trafficking has become rampant and prostitution has increased by 800 percent.

"I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police," said one Algonquin-area resident. "That is unacceptable."

For more on this story click the photo above....

Honky Talk

2008-03-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you all have seen this by now.

I would just like to add for the record that I sometimes listen to NPR while driving to yoga in my Prius. I am not fucking with you. What do I win? Oh, an adopted Chinese girl baby? Fucking sweet. I'll put it next to my Big Lebowski figurines*.

*Not yet on the list: collecting and displaying toys (hello, Oregon!). A prediction about the site's future- #100 will be the site itself and then it will implode and condense into a tiny dot of the purest whiteness. Also, if they haven't been contacted about making a coffee table book**, then capitalism does not work.

**Should also be on the list.

Now back to your Japanese stalker rape porn. Needs more tentacles!

For Coop

2008-03-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

Because now I can't get, "I've been robbed by two men" out of my head.
Thanks jackass*.

*salty talk™ approved.

Surreal

2008-03-03T00:53:00.000-08:00

I guess this is what Japanese people think they will run into in the streets of America when vacationing:

The aerobics dancers and their cheery demeanor were actually the scariest, like clowns...who do not mean to scare the shit out of you but do anyway.

This guy is great!

2008-02-16T20:43:00.000-08:00

I'll let this guy speak for himself. But, his vids remind me of every relative I have met at a family reunion/Christmas/wedding/funeral/etc. in East Texas. Here is his youtube page, and the video that hooked me:

Southern culture, bigotry and (lack of)education combine to actually give an unvarnished view of the world! Referring to one of my earlier posts...¡Salty Talk! may have found a guest instructor. These videos would be great for playing shot games...like every time he says the word or a variation of the word "fuck", you take a shot and then fall into an alcohol induced coma.

Faith Fighter

2008-02-11T07:26:00.000-08:00

As the tag line suggests these are in fact dark times my friends. And if history has taught us anything it that when things get shitty people get to praying. Praying for the almighty of their choice to come lay the smack down on their perceived enemies that is. Faith Fighter gives you the opportunity to jump into the role of the divine and extract some righteous vengeance!

Choose you own deity or try out someone else’s! GOD, Jesus, Buddha, Ganesha, Budi, and Muhammad are all standing tall ready for you to evoke their wrath! Which will prevail, GOD's Holy Ghost ryuken or Muhammad’s invisibility attack?

Hey I just had an idea; maybe we should have a tourney to decide what happens in Iraq? Whoever’s deity wins they get to lay claim to Baghdad. Mike you like to call your senator, maybe you could suggest it the next time you call in….

Get your GOD on!

JZ Sentinel of Manliness

2008-01-16T18:04:00.000-08:00

It’s come to my attention lately that as Men we have been bamboozled. Everyday our Manliness is under attack in the form of TV ads, day time talk shows, and society at large. Its bullshit… I am tired of feigning interest in the subtleties between sage, moss, and mint chip… it's a bath towel, I'm just going to dry my ass with it.

Not too long ago JZ'z lady purchased a new Mini Cooper and personalized her license plate with the moniker XTRASML. Which I think is awesome; it's cute and funny and personalized the whole experience. Unless of course JZ happens to be driving, then it's a direct attack on his manhood… literally.
Now clearly if JZ were to follow Man Law: 312 he would of course #1 never be caught behind the wheel of a Mini Cooper without life threatening circumstances being in play. But (and more importantly) Man Law: 312 subsection (E) clearly states that no man shall drive a car where the vanity plate may be misconstrued as to assault his manliness.

So what is a man to do to assert this manliness in this situation? Well, JZ did in fact sell his Element for… a Prius. While it's true the Prius is in fact not overly manly, it's missing a V8 engine, 4 Wheel Drive, or hint at an oncoming midlife crisis, all traditional hallmarks of man vehicles. It does show JZs readiness for change and I applaud him for that. Now my friend it's time to take the final step need to assert your manliness and strike a blow for men everywhere to truly make that car yours without having to pee on it.

JZ you need to get your own vanity plate.

It should come as no shock to you that I have taken it upon myself to come up with a short list of plates that I feel are worthy contenders to be displayed proudly on your car.

First off let me just say that I did not include any "Green" or "eco friendly" plates because they are fucking lame. Everyone these days is swinging on my "green" and "eco friendly" Johnson and I'm fucking sick of it. New cars that get 30 miles to the gallon? So did my dads '74 Gremlin... go fuck yourself. Ethanol is the fuel of the future? Oh really? I guess it could be if it wasn’t for the fact that the production of ethanol consumes more energy than it yields... go fuck yourself Mr. Bush oh and you too Teutul's for pandering to the right for ratings.

Anyway I know that you've been away from XBL pursuing new hobbies and I think that's great, so may I suggest theses hobby related plates.

With all that yoga you've been doing you should be a master of the Flying Warrior, Tree, and Downward Facing Dog stances and people should know damn it. Easy reader was inspired by Morgan Freeman's character a smooth hipster who loved to read on the Electric Company. Solid my brother... you should post some book reviews. Sure those are good but I’m not sure that they convey enough manliness... so I upped the manly factor with the following plates.

That's right, let those commuter fools know you have a strong pimp hand and aren't afraid to use it. They want to cut you off, let them but the're going to pay. And we all know that you can lay some pipe so there's nothing to say there.

I was tempted to suggest the plate below to show your skills as a ladies man but we've all heard the stories, we've all seen the pictures, your skills are legendary.

In the end I feel that there is just one plate with enough bravado enough machismo to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. The yang to your ladys yin, I give you:

Can Someone Please Update this Damn Blog?

2008-01-10T15:17:00.001-08:00

Seriously, a month? Hondo, where's the post about your future in American Gladiators?

Portal - Theme Song

2007-12-14T16:13:00.001-08:00

Im posting this for Jeff, sorry about your ho-dads.

Hey...

2007-12-10T20:43:00.001-08:00

...is that the package that Danzig was pulling in that video? Looks familiar.

Hey, Remember This? Yellow Lightning Bitches!

2007-12-06T11:14:00.000-08:00

¡Salty Talk! - Survival English You Were Never Taught

2007-11-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

Shipwreck says: "You fucking landlubbers better not end an English sentence with a preposition...or Cobra wins and I will kill you with lead poisoning, if you do not die of massive blood loss first. ¡Salty Talk! tip of the day: Damn is spelled with a silent "n". Only the word "damnable" has the "n" sound in the spelling enunciated, and only use that word if you are a limey poofter in the House of Lords giving a speech. Yo Joe! Shipwreck...out."

Anyways, I've been brushing up on foreign languages while listening to instructional podcasts. Mainly, I'm trying to get good enough at Russian to woo Olga, the Slavic vision that is the new bartendress at my favorite bar and loves speaking Russian with me. I am at he end of my abilities but I still am trying to figure out how to say, по русский of course, "¿Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?"

So, it struck me, "None of these fucking podcasts teach me how to unleash an unending string of goddamn expletives that would make a sailor blush and teach those foreigners not to give me any shit lest they get cursed...the...hell...out!" Also, after this epiphany, I realized that I could not say Donkey Punch in any language except English, what am I to do at a bar when I get really intoxicated and, shall we say, a bit randy? How is one to learn to come onto foreign women with propositions that would make Caligula blush? The Smiths fans much?

So, I found a calling. ¡Salty Talk! - I have a degree in English Lit. but no one wants to learn about bullshit like run on sentences, comma splices, verbs, nouns, and other aspects of language - public high school is proof of that. Come on, you KP guys did it with your KATUSAs - "Hey, how do I tell a woman I want to put [my "X"] into [her "Y"]?" "What do I say to to someone who cut me off?" "What primal yelp is appropriate to utter prior to beating the ass of the person burning an American flag outside of Yong-San's front gate...do I use "ooseyo" or "ha ra" infix?" "How do I impune somebody's honor besides not using honorifics when required or calling them Japanese?" "Do you have any worse epithet in your goddamn language besides "son of a dog"?"

A podcast devoted solely to the underbelly of modern US English, it will teach foreign English language learners how to truly master the idiom. Some episodes I have thought of so far:

"Fuck! The best friend to the learner of English as a verbal weapon"- noun, verb, adverb, adjective; the truly omnipresent word of the English Language...it is a crutch for the novice to lean heavily on and also the basis of expanding the repertoire

"Assorted Curse Words: Scatology and parts of the body" - well, anything I can think of that does not fall under the act of coitus

"Asshole, Cunt, Dick, Bitch - English has no gender...except when it comes to tearing someone a proverbial new one" - gender specific cursewords, we wouldn't want the new immigrants taking your IT jobs to sound silly calling a woman an asshole or a man a cunt

"Wet Dog in a Bathtub and the Alabama Hot Pocket (both definitions)" - surefire, overt come-ons for the ladies

"Wicked stupid or totally stupid? Depends on if you are in Boston or LA" - Let's get regional

"Innuendo - It's not an Italian suppository anymore!" - how to woo ladies without a lawsuit or, when rejected, be able to claim plausible deniability and that they are dreaming that you would find them attractive without a bag over their head

"Shizzle, Pizimp, Playah...Hip-Hop synonyms and false cognates for other curse and regular words." - I'll win the fucking Nobel for linguistics with this one

"Fucking Shit!", Part 1 of 2- compounding four-letter words

"Shitting Fuck!", Part 2 of 2 - common pitfalls and mistakes in the over-exhuberant use of cursewords and how to avoid them

"Blow Me, Fuck You, Eat Me, Kiss my Ass..." - When sexual come-ons are not used for that purpose, how to insult without leaving doubt as to whether you want someone to do something very profane to themselves or that you want a relationship.

I've thought of some other stuff as well but I know nothing about the mechanics of podcasting...help a brother out! How much bandwidth do I need and what are domains costing these days? I've also got many more show ideas and the t-shirts I will sell on Cafe Press are going to be a hit, nothing but that course, ancient Anglo-Saxon terminology that rears it ugly head when you hit your thumb with a hammer.

Maybe we could have a vlog or start a channel on YouTube. Thoughts on the how-to's or content would be greatly fucking appreciated

Yo Joe

2007-11-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

Hondo,
I found your Joe site OK. Basically, it had a good narrative. However, when professionals need information on GI Joe stuff, there is only one source Propadeutic.

Want information on Joe by year? Got it. Vehicles? Got it. Comic book characters by order of appearance by year? Got it. How about body types on figures and where they originally came from? That too. Or perhaps you'd like to know Propadeutic's statement on faith. Of course you do. You can find that too, just go to the main page.

Uncle Sugar Lowers the Bar Again

2007-11-06T10:34:00.001-08:00

Remember some of the guys you went through basic training with, usually the ones that were slotted to become truck drivers. Remember how you marveled that there were really people like that left in the world. That was when the Army actually had standards. Sure, you'd get the occasional private that didn't have a trigger finger or, my personal favorite, the guys that couldn't close their non-firing eyes without 100-mph tape over their glasses. However since we've been fighting the War on Terra (tm), the Army has been forced to lower standards regarding drug abuse, gang affiliation, age, weight, and "behavioral problems". Supposedly that fixed our recruiting problems. Not so fast big chief, a new story out today suggests that the Army may again lower the standards. Uh... No, seriously. Who's left? What kind of basic training class would that look like? How frustrated must drill sergeants be with the ever lowering standards. I'm sure we'll move from running at 3AM to talking about running at 7 AM. I know someone that can give a great class on Pronation and Supination! He's probably available too. More classes, less training. Can't do training with so many sub-standard sandbaggers, you can't have unit cohesiveness. Remember being told you're only as good as the weakest link? And the weakest link got the blanket party in order to reinforce not being the weakest link? Who the hell is going to do that now? While it serves a short term goal to lower the standards in order to "recruit" for a volunteer army, the long term repercussions are severe both for the institution of the Army itself, as well as for the civilian populace. Training gang members in urban warfare is probably not the best idea. Giving folks with "behavioral problems" a loaded weapon and a license to use it.... I can't imagine being in the regular Army today, I'd pull my hair out. I may not have been the most gung ho, I think Hondo has a picture of me sleeping in the BLRC (or the LTF as I renamed it to piss off the Col.), but I did adhere to the standards. When the system becomes one where the exception becomes the rule, in this case the exceptions being waivers for everything under the sun, the system breaks down. Can't wait to see how this plays out.

Glenn, WTF Happened?

2007-11-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

I remember when Danzig was a badass. I saw him rip a guy off the crowd after the guy hit Glenn in the face and then Glenn threw him across the the space between the barrier and the stage like the guy was a ragdoll. I was there for his Halloween show where everybody rushed the stage and collapsed the barrier forcing security onto the stage. They tried to get him to stop the show but the man refused. You may have guessed, but I was a BIG Danzig fan. I know big (little) Glenn jumped the shark awhile ago but I have to believe this video is just silliness. Watch his steely eyes at the end.

Soul Calibur 4

2007-10-25T21:35:00.002-07:00

So I was reading some Kotaku as I’m known to do and I came across an article about the upcoming Soul Cailbur 4. It looks like everything in this game keeps getting BIGGER and better. All I can say is … AWESOME! Now JZ knows that I’m a big fan of the cailbur and even though I told Jace not to buy it we still had a good time playing it during our escape to OR. NOTE: Always rent first my friends… unless the game is part of the Halo or Half Life series. But SC4 looks like it going to blow all other versions away. Ever wonder if chicks could really fight in G- String thongs? Why yes, yes they can! Check out the video below or maybe watch DOA. I’ve been intentionally avoiding that film every time I go to BB but we all know I’m going to give in one day. Come on I’ve seen EVERY Wesley Snipes movie out there (Most of them with Mike) so that lets you know where my “quality” threshold sits. Anyway so far this game seems set to rival DOA2 Extreme for cleavage animation / physics. Mike Im going to get one of these games for your boy when the time comes to talk about the birds and the bees… you know depending on what message you wanted to go for regarding women, that they’re all about violence + bikinis or grinding on trees + bikinis, your choice. I see it as a win win really.

Soul Calibur 4 -TRAILER

2007-10-25T21:35:00.001-07:00

Shake what your momma gave you!

GI Joe PSA's

2007-10-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

Coop,
I read your comments about the GI Joe PSA's being "bitch ass". I don't see it man. I'm posting two of my favorites here that taught me a lot. Please. Enjoy.

Fire safety:

Winter safety:

All-Bran Construction Worker

2007-10-15T14:28:00.001-07:00

Are you kidding me?

Pimp My Ride International

2007-10-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

Dudes… I’ve been sick for the last few days. (could you tell?) But just today I discovered the best program on TV, MTV’s Pimp My Ride INTERNATIONAL! This show is the bomb! Ok ok it’s true Xzibit has been replaced by Lil’ Jon as the host but lets all be honest for a minute, Xzibit was looking pretty burnt out the last time I saw him on the show. Side note: The guy who hosts Pimp My Ride London looks like Ryan Styles from Who’s Line is it Anyway, except Ryan Styles is way cooler. Back to International, the shop crew works out of Holland but seems to be assembled from everywhere their accents slay me. The thing that sets this show apart form its shitty US counterpart other than the fact that there is no Mad Mike…. That guy sucks ass!
But I’d say 9 times out of 10 they actually improve the car. True they still make most trunks unusable by filling then with 9000 watts of stereo equipment but what are you going to do? Another big plus is all the Euro girls…yeah.

What's in a Name?

2007-10-11T20:52:00.001-07:00

The short version of this story is that I was rapping with JZ and I wanted to know what “codename” he would give his missus for our next group event. Lets just say I found some cheap coveralls and they needed some embellishment. Anyway he said that the first thing that came to his mind was The Baroness. NICE! That armored bustier, that big gun and those naughty librarian glasses. A fine choice sir! That works out for me just fine as I Ive been known to call my girl Lady Jaye for obvious reasons and lets face it Flint is one cool mutha fucker. Im just saying… So that would make JZ, Destro and then Mike would mostly likely become part of a Duke and Scarlet combo even though I cant say for sure if they were ever romantically involved, at least not on the show. That is to say if you were going for a theme.

Now as to why the Baroness is a 360 achievement hater I still don’t know. We had that conversation the last time we were all together and I don’t know if I ever really recovered. After that I tried not to care about the achievements, hell some games like Call of Juarez make it easy not to care as their achievements are so arbitrary that you may never get them, and I’m ok with that. But I took a look today and I noticed that I’m now over the 10,000 mark which I couldn’t help but feel pretty good about.
Hummm should I wear it like a badge of honor or a testament to my poor time management. I don’t know…

Addendum:

After much review I have decided that if one really looked at it, JZ is no Destro. Not the Baroness isn’t hot because she is but the fact is Destro was always depicted as being a little soft on the show ( I never read the comic so maybe he was portrayed differently there). Besides… what the fuck is his mask made of, metal, rubber? It’s awful shiny like metal but when he talks his lips move! It’s crazy… but more than that when looking at the Joes I thought that a few of them bore more than a slight resemblance to JZ. Please observe below: If you ask me JZ looks more like Torch, Monkey Wrench, and maybe Shipwreck. Incidentally I think that Shipwreck is the only Latino Joe and here I always thought he was from Boston.

Spiderman: Friend or Foe

2007-10-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

So I just finished Spiderman: Friend or Foe and I am reminded of a cry of anguish from JZ and that was.. “Man I’m really tired of searching through boxes…”
Depending on which site you go to the reviewers scored it somewhere between 4.9 and 7.0, and I’m thinking that’s a stretch.

The good:
The graphics are great and cartoony
You can play as villains if you so choose
The S.H.I.E.L.D. computer says some funny shit
No jumping puzzles
Oh yeah and it’s kid friendly

The bad:
Everything else
Repetitive, unchallenging game play
Uneven character development
Snoozy level design

I will say that you can get all but one of the achievements just by playing the game. If you’re into achievements and I know some of us are not namely Mrs. JZ aka the Baroness. (see my other post for all that) But you can't play as Venom until the last level and even then there’s no real point because the sidekick development is sooooo lame. But if you have a weekend to kill and don’t mind a little carpel tunnel then it might be worth checking out.

On the Rise: My level of boredom

2007-10-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

So I’m watching Lucy Liu's new straight to video movie Rise: Blood Hunter. In this cinematic masterpiece she is apparently a would be journalist turned vampire, who... are you ready? Hunts and kills vampires! Damn where have we heard this story line before? So far it's only kind of lame and has not yet reached super lame, but don’t worry it’s getting there. Also Michael Chiklis has made an appearance sporting a wispy goatee. I think he’s a cop… go figure. But he hasn’t had any speaking lines yet so we’ll see where that goes.

There are some new twists on the genre:

These vampires don’t have fangs

There is a threesome involving necrophilia… that’s new.

As the “good” vampire Lucy is not above feeding oh hitchhikers.

No super human strength

They can walk in the daylight

Wow Nick Lachey and Marlon Manson have cameos

They can drink the blood of the dead

Lucy in fact does practice Santaria, but she still aint got no crystal ball.

Bring on the lame… the part where she discovers she’s a vampire an as she walks naked to the mirror in the morgue.. (they have mirrors in the morgue?) she conveniently doesn’t have a reflection! Ah ha you clever director types!

To be honest I’m not even sure these guys qualify as vampires… I mean other than the blood drinking and no reflection thing they’re really just undead. I’m just saying…

Could it be?

2007-09-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

Is that...

Holy Crap, it is.

Maj. Braunhelmut! Sir, glad to have you back from the Stanistan.

Working out some issues

2007-09-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

Love this video. I've watched it like 6 times. Why? Because this guy is at work and who hasn't wanted to lay into some jackass that is sharpshooting you. Good work coach.

Speaking of Music...

2007-09-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

Here's a great camp band i found on youtube; Electric Six.

Probably their most catchy song with gross MILF (or MIWNLF, "mother I would not like to fuck") action, "Danger! High Voltage":

Cover of an old Queen song, "Radio Ga Ga," with an ode to Freddie Mercury, which I like better than the original:

Also check out their other videos "Gay Bar"(the one featuring Bush and Blair), "Improper Dancing" (fucking hilarious, all I can say is "STOP...Hammertime! NO, continue!"), "I Buy the Drugs", and "Dance Commander".

GH2 Insanity

2007-09-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Similar to my experience at D's birthday.

Flight of the Conchords - Business Time

2007-09-07T14:35:00.001-07:00

Ahhhh yeah you better look out Olivia! Mike told me what time it was...

Shad Lierley vs.Chris Horodecki

2007-08-18T23:54:00.001-07:00

Looks like Megatron will have to wait.

Happy Birthday Mike

2007-07-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ahhh Mike another year has passed another birthday has come and gone. You didn’t think that we forgot did you? No my friend we did not however, unfortunately for you it's not a major birthday so no one really gives a shit. I hope when I called your house last night you and the fam were not out wasting cake and paper... Just ask Patton Oswald or JZ he'll back me up on this one. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know we were thinking of you. I have something to send you, but I'm just not sure how to fit it in a box, maybe its a hand carry item. Until then here’s a photo of our new friend… we’ll call her Destiny.

All the best,

-M

My box in a box-For Coop

2007-06-25T22:56:00.001-07:00

Because I miss you guys...

RAINBOW 6 REDUX

2007-05-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well I’m sure most of you have been asking “Where is that Miguel and what has he been up to?” I know I ask myself that same question often. Well my friends between the hours of well 9pm -12am CT look no further than your Xbox 360 console and you’ll find me playing more Rainbow Six Vegas. Sure I’ve already posted about this game before but for those of you living in the closet there are new maps and game modes all of which enhance the game playing experience.

Two of the maps are subtle differences of existing maps and then there are 3 others that are brand new and very cool to play. There is also an assassination game mode now where the object of the game is to kill a civilian in the care of the opposing force. Strangely people were quick to dub him Dr. Phil. It’s odd to hear a room full of guys bragging about who will be the first to put hot lead into Dr. Phil’s ass but it’s still pretty funny. I wonder if Dr. Phil knows….

Anyway as you can imagine the guys I started playing with are all claned up elites by now and have no time to mix it up with yours truly. (except for your friend and mine Lock N’ Load aka Darnell aka BK Darnell who’s Xbox apparently imploded and he lost all of his save data) So now I’ve had to go out and make new amigos. And there seem to be more and more women playing as well which adds its own flair to the game as JZ can attest to. I remember the time he chose to make a female avatar and was subsequently chased down by his own teammates and “cyber humped” …classic. But more and more mainstream ladies are picking up their MP5’s and doing battle to include Mrs. JZ and that is very cool.

And then there are the not so mainstream ladies that have joined the fray, like my new friend Cinemapink. Pink has turned online gaming into so much more, while gaming she casually puts it out there that you can check out her myspace page the official and I guess the personal . From there it’s a small cyber step to her “other” page where for just $2.40 a minute you and Pink can share some intimate moments not directly related to Xbox although I guess the marketplace blade should still apply. I have two words to describe this whole deal… FUCKING GENIUS.

If she just worked 4 hours a night (You know ‘cause she has to take care of the kids during the day… By the way, what’s up with all strippers having kids, it seems like it would be a real lifestyle conflict.) That’s still over 130K a year for masturbating. Gentlemen if I could make 130K a year masturbating not only would my hands be smooth and soft to the touch but I think I’d enjoy my work more.

Anyway I see it as just one more reason to play Xbox… oh on a side note I’ve decided to get the web cam attachment for my 360…. you know, for the achievements. Ill see you guys out there.

PSA-From Mike

2007-05-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

It's tough to follow penis power, but I need to get you people some awareness on something. Some folks, myself included, use a wonderful product after completing the morning constitutional. Namely, moist towelettes. Nothing leaves you feeling fresher, except for perhaps a biday, but I'm not French. However, and here is where the PSA comes in, in between placing the moist towelette in the ready position (activity 1), but before you give the command of execution(activity 3), ensure you do a double check on the package label(activity 2). The reason being, there are specific wipes for that type of activity and others whose primary purpose is to sanitize hands. I failed to perform activity #2. It turns out, ha ha ha, hand sanitizers use alcohol. Mmmmm.

Long story longer, as I was walking back from the command bunker to my office, I began to feel a burning sensation and started to break out in a cold sweat. Once seated, I realized what my mistake, in fact, was. Let's just say that had I been in a coma, I wouldn't be now. I was more awake through my next set of meetings than I've ever been. Don't worry though, I'm fine now. The IV and Valium helped.

This PSA is brought to you by Cottonelle and the letter "R". Don't forget to Read before executing.

That is all.

Penis Power

2007-05-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

I am in pain from laughing at this. My favorite comes at about 3:38-"That man won't even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silver's...and what that plate? What $2.99? But he can give you a mouth full of sperm, a rectum full of sperm." Jabba the Hut to her right is her mother. Vagina Power!

There is more batshit insane stuff from this woman on youtube. Shit, I think I cracked a rib from her Halloween program clip. I now have a headache from laughing and have become dehydrated. "I'm pilotin' the pussy. See, ya'll gotta be a pilot over the pussy!"

Still Undefeated

2007-04-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

I don't seem him losing until he fights Megatron (and even then I like his chances):

That's Shad on the right, arms raised in ultimate triumph. You can see his opponent's face is still frozen from when Shad ripped his soul through his mouth.

And still not undefeated:

You'll remember this gentleman as Shad's first victim.

Hoosier Pride

2007-04-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

After running through some tangos like shit through a goose in R6:Vegas (finally to the damn dam) this morning, I just happened to find this very appropriate video concerning the Indiana State Police Emergency Response Team:

Although I have put Michael and Jung in some rather compromising positions ("Hey guys, why don't you head for the middle of that big-ass generator room with catwalks all around- cool? Cool."), even I had to chuckle at the above midwesterners.

Irony, divine comedy, cosmic justice, or just too funny to pass up?

2007-04-08T19:10:00.000-07:00

Recently, a Columbia student named Matt Sanchez who is also a reserve Marine, became a darling of the right. Apparently he recieved some kind of award from the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)for sticking up for himself and parroting the party line in defense of an indefensible war (my opinion some others may disagree) that he has yet taken part. Here he is, the man on the left (keep in mind that the T-girl in the picture used the word "faggot" in a joke at a dinner at which Cpl. Sanchez was also in attendance):

He has made numerous apperances with Hannity & Colmes, O'Reilly, and the tranny he is pictured with. Apparently this is a man's man, or man's Marine if you know what I mean. Here is a short list of some other appearances he has made before joining the Marine Corps under his other title of Rod Majors. Wow! He went from Major to Corporal, he really is a bottom! Here are some other links about Mr. Sanchez's situation which could only be done justice with an Alanis Morrisette song. Here and here he is claiming that in fact he is not gay. Here is an older interview with "Rod/Pierre." Does anyone remember "S.A.M." from our army training? He may not fit the statement or marriage categories of "S.A.M." but he will have a hell of a time explaining away the act part.

Note, his former career is not the only thing of controversy, apparently he has some legal troubles. I could never get out of the army the money for the shit it fucked-up in my moves and this guy is getting $12,000 up front!

Want more? Try this for the article with the above pic and this Google search. Here is a pictorial retrospective of Rod/Pierre's previous career; note this has some of the DVD only scenes from Brokeback Mountain or this movie. Note some of these links are not for office eyes as they have various glamor shots of Cpl. Sanchez/Rod Majors/Pierre LaBranche and his self-described "11-inch uncut monster cock." Although, as one blogger who saw some of his pre-Marine (hardCorps, a pun on you) work put it, "he's being a little optimistic."

Bill Slowsky strikes again

2007-04-03T13:32:00.001-07:00

Eye of the what.. oh that's right the TIGER!

2007-03-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

Rockin' It....Hard

2007-03-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

So far you mentioned AC/DC, Skynyrd, Zep, Def Leppard, Foghat, and Bon Jovi. In you're frenzy to out bone each other you missed one. Critically.

Eat it bitches

BONE'D

2007-03-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what the fuck you guys are talking about.... bla bla bla classic rock sucks! As a card carrying member of 107.7 THE BONE I take offence to your baseless accusations. Sure I may have joined because I wanted to help choose the new Bone Rock Girl. (Eventually Jaime won… I would have picked someone else as I felt that her skank factor was a little low to carry an official moniker with “BONE” in it but what do I know.)
Perhaps I have a secret love for classic rock? Now, I do agree with Coop in that they seem to only play the same 20 songs over and over and I am aware of studies that have shown prolonged exposure to Thursdays rock blocks can lead to cerebral hemorrhaging but most side effects are mild to moderate. But come on if these bands were putting out new music then they wouldn't be classic now would they? Besides other radio stations play the same 20 songs over and over and then throw in the occasional 80’s lunch box or Friday flashback to cover up the fact that their programming list is lacking. I should never have to hear anything from Live’s Throwing Copper ever. There is no excuse for that. And yet anytime I decide to turn off the IPod and check the airwaves to see if there is something out there that I’m missing within 5 minutes or 2 station switches there it is … Fucking Lightning Crashes. Fuck I hate that song.
Where I have a problem is when you start hearing bands that have no place on a classic rock station. Yes, while tired and overplayed the Stones, Zeppelin, and Skynard are all expected but Motley Crue…? Nirvana…? Poison…? Funny yes, amusing indeed, but classic no sir I think not. I’ve even heard U2 on the Bone, what is U2 even doing on that station? They not even in the same genre of music.
It’s like ITunes suggesting that if you like The Crystal Method you’ll probably like Sara McLachlan or my other fave if you likes The Artic Monkeys you might like Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who is making these connections? It boggles the mind.
Ahhhhh screw it all, I’m going to go listen to some Bon Jovi.

Bone Flashback

2007-03-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

Can I comment on Herr Cooper's post here? Is that kosher? Fuck it, he opened the wound so you all get to taste the blood.

San Jose had (has?) a classic rock radio station also with the "Bone" appellation. I used to punch myself in the nuts whenever I would turn it on and ACDC was the first thing I heard. Let's just say I had sore balls. I will find the guy that's holed up in some Kansas bunker with his hideous Akira-esque classic-rock tentacles feeding the same fucking shit to every "Bone" in the country and I will smite him. I would like to borrow your BFR to lodge in his ass while it plays Burzum. We'll talk. Thank you.

Ka-ne-daaaa!

Winning the Arms Race for Audio Supremacy at Work

2007-03-05T20:12:00.000-08:00

So, I work at a manufacturing plant with lots of heavy machinery, forklifts with their beeping back-up signals, welders popping and sizzling when cutting or joining metal. Along with these noises comes the constant sound of Dallas' own 93.3 The Bone. Now I like classic rock in small doses but I can only hear Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song", "Kashmir", "Stairway to Heaven" so many times before I have daydreams in differing hues of red. Foghat is nice but not every hour during a repeat playlist. ZZ Top and AC/DC are also good but I do not want to hear every fucking song they ever made in the course of one day...for five straight days.

So, I work near the heaviest and thus loudest of all the machinery in the whole shop and need something to get over that noise as well as Steely Dan songs. I had searched high and low for something to both bring music to my ears over the noise of the deafening roar of a 36" lathe cutting metal, and a hone that once was aboard a battleship used to smooth out the bores of naval cannon and now polishes the inside of pipes as well as pretty much gain aural hegemony in the workplace. And it had to have an AUX jack for my iPod so I can return the favor to my co-workers and inflict upon them my music tastes in return for theirs.

What did I find at Fry's normally marked $320 but was reduced to $120 as an open box return sans remote? Yes that's right...The JVC KaBoom!.

It is essentially two subwoofers attached to a small radio and is the neutron bomb of portable audio. This thing will make women have miscarriages, hearts palpitate, and, more importantly, fills the air with the soundtrack from "2001: A Space Odyssey" at such a volume that no one dare try and compete with their radio even when Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" comes on. Co-workers were in awe as the first notes of The Misfits' "Last Caress" wafted through the building followed by such eclectic selections as "La Habanera" from Bizet's opera "Carmen" and three different covers of Gary Glitter's "Do You Wanna Touch Me (There)?" by Crud, Joan Jett, and The Bobbyteens. My coworkers would in vain escalate and turn their radios up to challenge my B.F.R. only to have me inch up the subwoofers separate volume control and then the main volume; my iPod was already set for optimal bass. Game...set...match, bitches!

Soon, they were reduced to cowering around their puny radios, like homeless around a burning trash barrel for warmth, to hear anything by .38 Special, Stevie Ray Vaughn, or John Mellencamp (before he added the Cougar then dropped it then added it again...I think, but I can't keep up with shiftless people and their names) and escape the unrelenting onslaught of Metallica, Wagner (Das Rheingold), The Ramones and Willie Nelson iPod playlists.

As Conan said, the greatest joys in life are, "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women." I would add to this list the gnashing of teeth, rending of clothes, and beating of chests out of despair and now, begging for rather than an audio free-for-all as what is now the case, the other employees have conspired and asked the plant manager about each person being designated a day when they pick the radio station to be played over the company PA and disallow any personal audio devices. Ahhh! The tears of your defeat are sweeter than ambrosia my fellow hirelings!

Expectations

2007-03-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

So I see Matty and Coop have signed up. Good things. I expect to see some posts from you two jokers soon. Don't disappoint, otherwise Matty, I'll put up another derogatory post about the Willis. That is all.

Rainbow-tastic

2007-02-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

So last night I finally made it to the rank of Sergeants Major in our beloved Rainbow 6 Vegas. Overall the achievement was a little underwhelming considering the time to benefit ratio involved. Although, I was reminded of a conversation with a very drunk Mrs. Shook in the men’s bathroom about how "Jerry was going to be Sergeant Major...” Man sometimes I miss those days, you could never predict what was going to happen from one minute to the next.
Unfortunately reaching SMAG doesn’t unlock anything really cool, you get some new armor but the only difference between it and the armor you’re given at SPC is the way it looks. So that was kind of a let down.
This lead me to look towards my next advancement of 2nd LT, which after completing a few games over lunch lead me to this computation: it takes about 7 wining games at or over 15 minutes to fill up one bar on your rank card, and you need 5 bars + the extra invisible bar to make the next level so that would be about 42 games and 10 & 1/2 hours invested to make LT.
Apply that logic to the rest of the remaining ranks and you'll have played over 63 additional hours before you make it to Elite and that's only if you win... every game you play.
Just something to think about.

Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager (episode 1)

2007-01-24T16:01:00.001-08:00

Fucking histerical…

JZ, Are You with Us?

2007-01-24T12:50:00.000-08:00

Darnell, Hondo, and I want to know.

So You're Thinking of Getting a Tattoo...

2007-01-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

My advice, and I'm far from an expert, would be to NOT get one that says STEP BACK in four-inch letters across your stomach visible from, say, 30 rows up at an IFL event if you ever plan on getting knocked out in 44 seconds by a baby-faced college kid with a passion for striking. Again- not an expert.

TigerSharks FTW!!1!1!!

No Seriously

2007-01-04T15:55:00.000-08:00

Is every older male actor coming out with a rehash movie from their respective haydays? We've got Harrison Ford with Indiana Jones Quatro where he and his loveable old man, played by Sir Sean Connery KBE, battle aliens and Nazis with Indiana's grown son, played by the Rock. It's the feel good film of the summer. We have the 60 year old Stallone giving it one more shot in Rocky 15 where he battles aliens and black people, "get those alien sons a bitches Rock". Which brings me to, finally, Matty's boy Bruce Willis who once again, by some sheer bad luck is forced to save the world from computer nerds or aliens or bank robbers or Alan Rickman. I'm not really sure. Apparently the movie only has 1 maybe 2 lines judging by the preview. Some of you may think this is revolutionary, but it's not. See any Wesley Snipes film in the last few years. 2 pages of script, 60 pages of "action". So, without further ado, I give you possibly, the toughest tough guy movie of the decade.

Die Hard or Die Harder

It's FIGHT NIGHT Bitches

2007-01-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

Yes that's right its Fight Night gentlemen... So before you say anything please refer to the chart bellow.

Excuse #1
No money
Solved
Tickets are already paid for

Excuse #2
No Time
Solved
We’re two weeks out

Excuse #3
No Kitchen pass
Pending

You have two weeks my friends, two weeks to convince the little woman that a man day is sorely needed. I have faith in you both.

So let the wives know that you won’t be home for dinner, but that when you do return you'll be pumped full of testosterone.

And while I will not take any responsibility for what the two of you may do next, if it involves chocolate syrup, whipped cream, fuzzy cuffs, spontaneous outdoor nudity, or latex / leather in any form I would like a little credit.
Maybe a simple tip of the hat or a nice card.

Mr. Goodrich, Mr. Cake...

2007-01-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

2007-01-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer

Oh yes they’re back in what I would almost call a retro sequel. This film has got to be lame if they choose to show us 90 seconds of chase scene. And you can't tell me we haven't seen the suffer someplace else say..... oh I don’t know.... T2 perhaps? However, I am not surprised especially since the first one was "an underwhelming pic that's anything but fantastic." Which boasted "A Third-rate director leading a flick filled with TV actors, cheap special effects, and a margarine script that's light on entertaining calories and high on the bland taste." Man even that review was lame. Maybe we should get into the review business..... Now there’s a thought.

What is this crap?

2006-12-18T16:33:00.000-08:00

I will be out of the office Monday, December 18 and returning Tuesday, December 19.

Thanks,
Jeff

555-0567

The search is over

2006-12-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

After years of looking I have finally found what I believe to be on of the funniest series from the Penny Arcade. Gentlemen I give you the first appearance of ...

The Fruit Fucker 2000!

DOA Extreme 2 makes me feel dirty

2006-12-12T00:19:00.001-08:00

As you know I am a proud member of Gamefly thanks to my buddies’ generosity. This week I reached 6 months with the service which entitles me to an additional $5 coupon and 5% discount on any game I purchase and I believe a change in rank from nerd soldier to geek capo. It also means that I now have to pay for it myself so we’ll just see how long this lasts. But before all that happened I had added Dead or Alive Extreme 2 to my game queue and to the delight of my internal 13 year old it arrived this weekend.

For those who don’t know the Dead or Alive series is a fighting game in the same vein of Tekken, Mortal combat, and Soul Caliber. Where random fighters meet for some (usually lame) reason and proceed to beat the shit out of each other. DOA is no different and Id even say sub par due to the control mechanics but what sets it apart is the incredible life like graphics. But how do you follow up a highly successful fighting game? I can almost hear the response to that question in the conference room now…. By having the games female characters show up to an island and play beach games in bikinis?
Fucking brilliant!

And so DOA Extreme 2 was born. I will say that the games intro really sums up the whole game and so it’s easier just to post it than try to describe what I watched. You arrive on the island and are then assigned a “friend” and then you have the option of partaking in various traditional activities such as a jet ski race, volley ball and tug o war to the more original games like pool floaty hop and something called butt bounce (pictured in the intro). Or if all of that sounds too strenuous for you your character has the option if relaxing in various parts of the island. Any choice you make triggers an almost pornographic cut scene where your girl either seductively lotions up by the pool, flops around in the surf like a dying porpoise, or my favorite should chose to relax in the jungle, your girl actually climbs a tree, straddles a large branch and dry humps it.

But wait there’s more, at night you have the option of going to the casino and trying your luck at gambling. There is a choice of games but I preferred poker as your opponents can’t play for shit and have no problem staying in with a pair of 2s. All of this is to apparently earn you cash so you can buy smaller bikinis and various other accessories. XBOX 360 owners, this is how you earn achievement points in the game by buying your lady her favorite swimsuit or hair ribbon not necessarily by winning races or contests.

However there is something else that you can do with your money that I discovered on the web that I thought makes this a must buy for that pre-teen on your X-mas list. Play your cards right, become a high roller and Zack, your host on the island who must be a pimp (he’s black and carries a cane with no obvious limp) will turn you out. I’ll save you the effort of going through all the nerd magic and post that scene as well.

That pretty much sums it all up, I returned the game today mainly because it’s wholly unplayable and I kept having to shower. So unless you’re under 15, have never seen a real woman naked, or live in your mom’s basement I would pass on this one.

2006-12-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 trailer

This is just silly...

2006-12-12T00:18:00.000-08:00

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 Hitomi pole dance

As promised
NOTE: Do NOT open this at work, in front of children, or the wife. Well maybe the wife.

Unrated Directors Cut, my ass

2006-12-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

You know I wanted to like the Miami Vice movie I really did. For 3 days I fought off the urge to get it as pay per view while staying in Plano, TX during my first official business trip on the job. Three days in Plano kicking it with guys that liked to call it a night around 8pm. That’s 8pm central time my friends…. Yeah.

So when it finally released on DVD I cruised over the ole Blockbuster and picked it up along with Pulse which is another story all on its own. The commercials promised visceral sex and violence, visceral damn it as in Main Entry: vis·cer·al 3 : dealing with crude or elemental emotions.

I was ready,
Coke and Bacardi… check
Jorgens Skin Firming Moisturizer… check
Kleenex Moist Cloths… check

With Colin Feral in the cast one would expect that he had already hit it with the majority of the on set staff so it seemed a given that some of that would carry over on to the screen. I expected Crockett and Tubbs to be up their necks in strange. Have you ever been to South Beach? I have and that premise shouldn’t have been that hard to pull off. I was hoping to see people hitting it in public a la Hawaii, the tearing of clothes, or the wanton destruction of objects during the course of events. You know where the next day your lady looks at you and makes a bizarre matter a fact statement like “It’s a good thing that you don’t bruise easy.” Or “I never knew you were left handed.” Something like that, but no not so much. During the films 134 minutes we are treated to one breast shot and I mean 1 breast you don’t even get the pair and two ass shots one of which belongs to Jamie Foxx. Toned? Yes. Sexy? Not so much, but then again that’s not how I roll.

As for the violence, there too I was let down. I think I was reading a review where someone added up the actual minutes of “action” in the film and it came in just under 10. Ten fucking minutes of action in a “visceral” action movie. Ill be generous and say there was an additional 10 minutes of sex, add that up and you still have 114 minutes to kill. And they filled it with scenic views of Miami and some shitty South American countries made up to look like Cuba. The other members of the cast are never referred to by name I had to look at the movies entry on imdb to figure out who was who. Most of them have less than four lines in the entire movie or none at all. Apparently Crockett and Tubbs work with mimes. I couldn’t bear to watch it a 2nd time but I swear girl cop #2’s only purpose was to give hard stares and then lead a raid using only hand and arm signals that made no sense, much like people who make up their own phonetic alphabet…. B as in Boy, T as in Tom, A as in Asinine. I fucking hate that and just so you know I go out of my way to correct DMV employees and catalog operators alike.

You know this still could have been a good movie, A History of Violence comes to mind and I doubt that that movie has more than 20 minutes of sex or violence but in that movie you really felt it.

So there’s that.

Sibilance

2006-10-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

Check one, two, sibilance...Is this thing on? Check, check.

And Again...

2006-09-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

on the return trip. Touche United, touche.

Dear United

2006-09-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

Fuck you. And fuck O'Hare while we're at it. Let's go through the numbers. First, you cancel my flight. 2nd, you have 2 agents working at the customer service counter to handle the 300 people in line to rebook cancelled flights. 3rd, you send one on a dinner break. 4th, I tell you I need to be there by 8 AM EST and you say, "We can have you there at 10:15 AM EST". 5th, you finally get me on the 21:10 flight but forget to enter something in the system thereby preventing me from printing a new boarding pass. 6th, this causes me to have to renavigate the line in number 2. 7th, you reschedule the flight to 23:55, then 22:40, then 22:55, then 23:20. Final takeoff time 2335. 8th, you lose my bag you sons of bitches. 9th, you don't deliver it by noon the next day like you say you will. 10th, fuck you again. Congress should have required you bastards to implement some processes that might actually work when you filed for bankruptcy bailout. And don't tell me, "oh it was weather, nothing we could do about that". Innovate motherbitches. Final arrival time to hotel: 0330.
Don't worry about me, I'll just be here waiting for my BAG with my contact lens solution while my eyeballs dry up. 2 months ago this wouldn't have been an issue, but because you cocksuckers won't spend the money for security, you can't tell semtex from Pantene Pro V. In short, in the immortal words of Dick(less) Cheney, go fuck yourselves.

Ms. Gears

2006-08-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

A certain comment by a certain commenter about a certain ball-tingling video game character made me go find this:

Squish Mitten

2006-08-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

I am posting this for Dylan who apparently has a case of blog-o-phobia. It's debilitating.... We all need a little more Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo in our lives.

Game Thumb

2006-08-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

In an ongoing effort to till my work productivity the guys game me a subscription to Gamefly for my birthday. So a big thank you goes out to them for that…. For those of you living two caves down from Osama, Gamefly is the gamer’s version of Netflix which is another work killer. One can spend countless hours on either site selecting or reviewing untold numbers of games or movies.

This was so cool that I had to go out and buy a PS2 to maximize my game playing potential over two separate platforms. (Just in time as well, because the Xbox kicked it just last week…. Hummmm $50 to replace the DVD drive or $499 to buy a 360… what to do, what to do) so now I can use this space to review games as well. Lucky you guys.

But Miguel you say, there are other perhaps more qualified sites that do that already. Perhaps indeed but those sites leave out key factors that you might want to know such as Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal causes seizures. Yup, I always thought seizures were an urban legend made up by parents to keep their kids mainlining Super Mario Bros. but its true. Not since the days of the original Wolfenstein has a game affected me in such a way.
Damn Obani Moon.

However, that said I fucking love this game and found it to have smooth game play, slick graphics, and a funny story line. Add to that the fact that JZ’s wife has beaten it 5 times gave me a little motivation to kick some Nefarious ass. Due to the upgradeable arsenal of weapons, ships, and armor there is an incentive to replay the game after you’ve finished the original story line which only adds to its value. I’m going to have to give this game 5 out of 5 stars, now if you'll excuse me I’m off to collect some sewer crystals...

This Should Close the Loop on That Whole Mess

2006-08-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

I killed the video because I was tired of it playing in the background while reading Miguel's brilliance. I had autoplay set to false, I swear. Anyway, the Oozinator is old news. Now it's all about adding effects to Colbert in a grainy video acting like the Star Wars kid who had effects added to his original grainy video. The snake continues to eat his tail. Film at eleven.

Don't call it a comeback

2006-07-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

Man this blog needs a little pick me up just about as badly as I do.

I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time since our cruse to Mexico. I know, I know that was almost a month ago. But I wanted to make sure that I was in shape for the cruse just in case the guys retaliated and gave me a banana sling of my own. Because if they did you know it would have come down to a double dog dare for me to wear it to the ships pool and you know Id have to do it as refusing a double dog dare is tantamount to social suicide. So, I wanted to look good # 1 to preserve whatever dignity one can while wearing a free from ball sack and #2 I thought if I rocked it maybe I cloud get some gay dudes to pay for the ridiculously overpriced ships drinks.

Anyway since then I think the blog and my 24... 12... 0k more like 8 inch guns haven’t received the love they need. Going back to the gym is always fun. I think I lost about 20 pounds and about 4 reps off my bench which means that putting up 150 may have caused some orbital hemorrhaging. Which was cool because they had an eye patch on hand, and for those who know me well know that I love a good eye patch.

This is all some kind of metaphor for saying that Ill try to be better about keeping the blog up to date and stuff. And I hope the other guys will as well.

For You Star Wars Fans

2006-07-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

Somehow I missed this one...

Dr. Mr. Guy at the gym,

2006-07-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

<-----Is not something that you need before going to the gym. Now I know that working out in a "wife beater" is cool and I have no problem with that. In fact, I'm sure you feel quite liberated in doing so. But why in the name B.A. Baracus would you feel the need to slather J+J's signature product all over you before coming. C'mon, nobody looks like that when they sweat. You were "glistening" and men don't do that. Anybody that's been in the gym for a bit can tell the difference between a sweater and an oiler. The oilers mysteriously have no other telltale signs of sweat just that shiny skin.
So really, why on the day you're doing squats would you come in with that stuff all over your shoulders. I call that out as a safety violation. Plus, I mean, c'mon, it's pretty much all guys in there anyway. I know you were trying to draw attention to your shiny man shoulders, but dude, oil?
I've seen some interesting folks at the gym: obviously the oilers, the girl at 24 hour fitness that had an adam's apple bigger than mine, neck chains guy at the world gym, speedo wearing, tear away pants guy at world gym...
You know, the more I think about it, a lot of these guys put on a show about being the ultimate tough guys. But when you show up in breakaway pants with a speedo underneath and then actually rip them off and pose...Or you show up in a tight-ass wife beater with baby oil slathered all over your body, you want the attention of the other guys in the room. Which is really kind of disturbing. When I go to the gym, I show up work out, and leave. Granted, thanks to Miguel, I do have a nice tangerine number that I could wear, but nobody wants to see that.
So listen all you gym freaks, leave the bedroom stuff at home. Please, for everybody. Leave your baby oil at home for use with your "special" movies. Chains and bondage really have no place in the gym.
And for all that is holy....
please...
no speedos.

FREE WEEKEND PLAY

2006-07-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

This game is the Shiznit.... download it and play for free this weekend.

Yeah...I Don't...Uh...Hmm.

2006-06-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Did Somebody Say Tokyo Drift?

2006-06-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

Miguel mentioned the new F&F film. It's no secret I have been following Formula D ever since a drifting exhibition blew my socks off at the San Jose Grand Prix (San Jose has a grand prix now- apparently Alviso was otherwise engaged). Here's a typical shot of some typically exciting action:

Fuck YEAH. Note the smoke and aggressive angle of attack into the, uh, straight...why the fuck are you sliding down the straightaway? And so the magic of Formula D becomes evident. No goddamn reason, that's why. Utterly and totally pointless. Don't miss the spoiler on that 240SX- lord knows you need downforce...going sideways...at 40 mph. Their car control is admirable, sure, but like an astronaut practicing tantric sex alone on the moon, ultimately pointless. The excitement was so intoxicating my dad got a Type R sticker for his Oldsmobile Intrigue. So when they decided to make a movie about the phenomenon, I said why fucking not? In Tokyo? Perfect, like a baseball game played in Baseballville. I bet somebody uses a samurai sword, too.

Gym Jones

2006-06-03T21:29:00.000-07:00

Guys here is the link to that gym modeled on what could only be called the principals of Fight Club. Bellow is an excerpt from their knowledge section:

“What's your problem? I think I know. You see it in the mirror every morning: temptation and doubt hip to hip inside your head. You know it's not supposed to be like this. But you drank the Kool-Aid and dressed yourself up in someone else's life.

You're haunted because you remember having something more. With each drag of the razor you ask yourself why you piss your blood into another man's cup. Working at the job he offered, your future is between his thumb and forefinger. And the necessary accessories, the proclamations of success you thought gave you stability provide your boss security. Your debt encourages acquiescence; the heavy mortgage makes you polite.”

I don’t know if they are new profits or full of shit, I guess that’s for you to decide. What there is no doubt about is that their workouts are no joke, be sure to stop by their video section. I don’t know if it's all a bunch of BS or not but if I lived in LA I’d be tempted to go stand on the porch, just to see what I got.

I 2nd that...

2006-06-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

Mike you failed to give the link (hit the rider) to the mega blockbuster which will be released on an unsuspecting public just in time for Valentines Day next year. Im sure that there is a well thought out marketing scheme for that one as well.

Not even Eva Mendez and her hot ass will be able to save this one Im afraid. Oh and that is a hot ass…… ummm nummy. Oh by the way, was that a ghost horse that I saw near the end of the trailer? Just checking.

Lucky me I just turned on TNT and Torque was on. Just in case you didn't know it's the street bike version of the Fast and the Furious. It has an incredible unknown cast that includes Ice Cube. Torque also has never before heard of chase scenes that not only boasted two handed gun play but also a bit where the 2 main characters jump on top of a moving train and then race across it's roof, pure cinematic genius. Hidden gem: Brief cameo where Dane Cook makes an appearance and the Y2K superbike that has a Rolls Royce Allison gas turbine engine. (There' s a featurette on the DVD don’t ask how I know, I just do)

Honorable mention:

Hollow Man 2: Staring Christian Slater and a whole bunch of other out of work actors. Available now at a Hollywood Video near you. There isnt even a trailer for this one. I wonder why?

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: This 3rd installment starts lil Bow Wow (just Bow Wow now) and some other guy. Check the trailer.

Some Movies Should Not Be Made

2006-05-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

Hard to follow the anatomical discussions we've had around here lately, but after seeing the trailer for Ghost Rider I felt compelled to post something. I'm not really sure how Hollywood works, but I'm pretty sure a bunch of guys like us sit around and come up with "great ideas". I'll leave the great ideas in quotes because I think you all know how some of these "great ideas" work out. Like the time, Miguel decided to take a trip into the desert alone. Now I'm not going to lay anything at his feet, I'm just trying to frame this right. So there's a bunch of guys that sit around in Hollywood and act as the arbiters for new movie ideas. "Great ideas" like having Bruce Willis play harmonica in a movie. "Great ideas" like having Steven Segal make any more motion pictures. Any. More. Please stop. By my count, he's got 2 already released this calendar year and 4; 4; 4; in production. Those are to be released this year. That may be a record actually. Oh, and he's got one filming for next year. To add insult to injury, when Big Steve isn't saving Eskimos/young ladies/kicking bad guy ass/eating, he's layin' down some mean chops in his (I shit you not) blues band. Does Steve have no one that will tell him the truth?
Then there's poor Wesley Snipes. He was great in Blade and The Art of War. Short on talk big on ass kicking. Let's check the book to see Wesley's '06 stats. Ah! What do you know! Wesley is hot on Big Steve's tail with 3 released this year, 1 more in production for this year and 2 already lined up for 2007. We're talking hundreds of dollars for Wesley here based on Detonator, The Marksman and 7 Seconds. By the way, I actually fast forwarded through 7 Seconds to the end. That's how bad the movie was. But I digress.
This brings me to two movies that don't need to be made. #1 Roadhouse 2: Last Call. That's right kids, Roadhouse 2 because the original Roadhouse was so good. Really, Jake Busey as the bad guy? C'mon. Even the movie preview guy with the cool voice was probably like, "Are you freakin' kidding me? I have to read this crap?" Of course, I'll see it anyway, because it has to be seen, the Swayze or no.
Which brings us back to Ghost Rider. If there's one thing that really gets me in the 21st Century it's too much CGI. Not only that, by the looks of the trailer, we can also tack on my second pet peeve: cheesy CGI. Here's the deal, if you can't get an actor to play the main character but have to use CGI for a good portion of the movie, it's a kid's movie. Just animate that shit and release it as such. Comic books are comic books for a reason. If you have a completely CGI character like the Hulk, or say Ghost Rider, why do you even bother signing on as an actor. What the hell was Nick Cage thinking? And Sam "No One Can Grow A 'Stache Like Me, Bitch" Elliot reading the voice over? Well, I think you know. The movie preview guy quit after reading too many for Big Steve, Wesley, and the straw that broke his back, Roadhouse 2.

In Keeping With the Editorial Direction of this Endeavor...

2006-05-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

...here is a picture of my package:

Even more exciting than owning a turquoise-and-yellow banana hammock is the knowledge that I will now receive the International Male catalog (and, one can only hope, its subsidiaries such as the swimsuit edition of "Gear") for the rest of my goddamn life. I guess it's a rite of passage to incur such a fate at the hands of one of you pricks, so thanks. Thanks for that.

By my calculations, we've had three cock-related posts in a row by three different authors. That leaves only one. He knows who he is. Care to make it a straight* flush?

*Note: there is nothing straight about any of this. I'm off to shave my taint. Although, it's a little scary that I'm less hairy than Dylan's Joy of Sex Brand Lifelike Vagina. Seriously, was the Internet closed that day? Did you find that on DARPANET?

Yellow Lightning

New Year new post

"Cruel"

Toxins Linked to Gulf War Illnesses

Merrill's Meadow

Killzone 3

Dagon Age 2

WTF?

Look who broke 50,000

So its like that...

What is up with this formatting?

Speaking of ninjas...

Just a test

NORWEGIAN Ninja

Happy (?) or somber Memorial Day!

A little light-hearted Nazi Humor

Happy Veteran's Day!

Just what this site needed

My black dog...

Durex Get it On Viral

Star Wars Stars Dance Off 2008

Guitar Hero: On Tour promo, learn how to Rock Out = UNFUCKING BEARABLE

Through the Fire and Flames 100% 987,786 points and 8 min of Pwnage!!!

DRAGONFORCE ( or Inland Invasion part2)

Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

Honky Talk

For Coop

Surreal

This guy is great!

Faith Fighter

JZ Sentinel of Manliness

Can Someone Please Update this Damn Blog?

Portal - Theme Song

Hey...

Hey, Remember This? Yellow Lightning Bitches!

¡Salty Talk! - Survival English You Were Never Taught

Yo Joe

Uncle Sugar Lowers the Bar Again

Glenn, WTF Happened?

Soul Calibur 4

Soul Calibur 4 -TRAILER

GI Joe PSA's

All-Bran Construction Worker

Pimp My Ride International

What's in a Name?

Spiderman: Friend or Foe

On the Rise: My level of boredom

Could it be?

Working out some issues

Speaking of Music...

GH2 Insanity

Flight of the Conchords - Business Time

Shad Lierley vs.Chris Horodecki

Happy Birthday Mike

My box in a box-For Coop

RAINBOW 6 REDUX

PSA-From Mike

Penis Power

Still Undefeated

Hoosier Pride

Irony, divine comedy, cosmic justice, or just too funny to pass up?

Bill Slowsky strikes again

Eye of the what.. oh that's right the TIGER!

Rockin' It....Hard

BONE'D

Bone Flashback

Winning the Arms Race for Audio Supremacy at Work

Expectations

Rainbow-tastic

Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager (episode 1)

JZ, Are You with Us?

So You're Thinking of Getting a Tattoo...

No Seriously

It's FIGHT NIGHT Bitches

Mr. Goodrich, Mr. Cake...

What is this crap?

The search is over

More Video

DOA Extreme 2 makes me feel dirty

Unrated Directors Cut, my ass